8 Ridiculous Sex Toys for the Budget-Conscious

Humans love sex, and humans love toys. Sex toys are a thing. We tend to think they're alright, too.

But here's the thing about sex toys: All the really cool (and really frightening) gear tends to cost you a big ol' pile of cash. Have you ever wondered what an inquiring mind could achieve with just a few bucks in his pocket? Hey, here's an idea: Why don't we see what manner of crotch-fondling apparatus is prepared to jump into our slightly sticky shopping cart if we shop around with the absolute maximum budget of, say, $10 per product?

Spoiler: It doesn't get any less terrifying.

#8. American Diagnostic Corporation Stainless Steel Wartenberg Pinwheel

Via Amazon

The Wartenberg Pinwheel is a spur-like medical device that consists of a handle and a wheel that is, would you believe it, made of pins. Back in the day, its sharp points were used to test neurological reactions, but it has fallen out of favor, because it turns out wheel-stabbing your patients is not the most sanitary of procedures.

So, a $4 medical device with an unsanitary reputation and a number of sharp points? You bet your butt it's used for bonin'!

Gleefully sold as a sex toy, the Wartenberg (or "Wartenburg," as it is often called, presumably to prevent the ghost of the doctor who invented the instrument from rage-haunting the users' crotches) Pinwheel is commonly bought with items like these:

Via Amazon
The pictures say "sex stuff," the titles say "We're not quite sure how you humans name things."

And there's nothing wrong with that; a little BDSM never hurt anyone (shut up, you know what I mean). However, a slightly more worrying aspect of the product is the fact that a) this is pretty much the cheapest thing Amazon offers in the sex toy category, and b) the product description features no hints on how to use it whatsoever. Combine these things, and you have a potentially hurtful-as-fuck medical tool in the hands of the kind of person who happily purchases $4 sex toys.

What I'm saying is that more than one doctor has probably spent some interesting hours trying to dislodge this thing from someone's urethra.

#7. Swipes Cucumber Scent Lovin Wipes

Via Spencer's

Everyone is familiar with the sexy connotations of the noble cucumber. A watery vegetable that is cheap, easy to access, and conveniently shaped like Shrek dick, it can likely boast a more impressive sexual resume than you, I, and everyone we know that's not your mom combined.

Alliance/iStock/Getty Images
Even stock photography has given up trying to present cucumbers in a neutral light.

If there's one thing about cucumbers that is truly unassuming, it's their smell. Is there any? I've eaten a few cucumber salads in my time, and I can't recall them smelling of anything at all. Yet here we have Swipes cucumber-scented wipes, a product that is outright marketed as a sex wipe ("freshen up before or clean up after intimate moments"), and part of the appeal is supposed to be the fact that they smell like cucumber. Why is this? Is it supposed to be a turn-on? Is this a "forbidden fruit" thing, bringing back all those awkward memories from the vegetable aisle? Does ... does it smell like an already used cucumber, and oh God why did that thought have to cross my mind?

Maybe this is an actual line of products, and somewhere out there is an "Oh shit, I just realized my only purchases are seven zucchinis and a tub of Vaseline" terror-sweat-scented version that comes with a complimentary condescending Walmart cashier. The mysteries are endless; the answers, I never wish to know. Piss off, cucumber sex wipes. You have no place here. (Also, $7.99 for you is daylight robbery, no matter how well it fits my arbitrary money limit.)

#6. Pheromone Bracelets

Via Amazon

Let's consider a scenario where you've managed to fill your house with the best naughty toys you can find, yet for some reason members of your preferred gender completely fail to drop their pants, no matter how many times you drop careful hints about the veritable fuck dungeon you have converted your basement into. Strange thought, I know, but it has been known to happen. Luckily, the bargain bin of your local porn peddler has a solution to this terrifying situation: $5.70 pheromone bracelets.

Via Amazon
Man on the moon, Internet, and now this? Thanks, science!

Yes, this wondrous "pheromone-infused" toy bracelet is absolutely guaranteed to cause your sweat glands to emit a secret scent trail that will attract the opposite sex for weeks, and probably won't even smell like decaying spleen at all!

What's best, these surefire sexual attractors come in both male and female versions, so if you have an open mind and/or enough desperation in your heart, you can wear one on each wrist and open your arms to embrace the world, waiting in anticipation to see who bites first. (My prediction: stray dogs.)

#5. The Blow Job Bib

Via Bachelorette.com

This is a fucking blow job bib, a fun product that can be yours for the measly price of $3.29, plus all worth you once had as a respectable human being.

While many retailers obviously sell the blow job bib as a party gag (sorry) item, some sites freely list it under sex toys, so you just know there's a handful of comically/tragically misguided dudes who present it to the objects of their affection as a "wacky" hint that they secretly hope will make the face of the receiver embrace its intended role as the locomotive of their gravy train.

Of course, this is the exact kind of bullshit that will wean these assholes off from ever receiving a blow job again. This is actually kind of a shame, as being limited to regular coitus means they have a much better chance to breed more fuck-awful idiots.

#4. Vulcan Ripe Anus

Via Amazon

Butt stuff is to sex what bacon is to cuisine: a perfectly fine occasional side dish that has been memetically elevated to the status of steak. And much like bacon, anal has also attracted its fair share of strange byproducts: From "realistic molds" of porn star cavities to the many, manyinsertable products out there, even the most committed rear entrance enthusiast has no shortage of things to blow his cash on.

And then there is Vulcan Ripe Anus.

Eric IsselTe/Hemera/Getty Images
Vulcan Ripe Anus!

I'm ... I'm actually at a loss here, people. I get that it's supposed to be an ass-in-a-can of some fashion, but ... seriously? What's the target group for this product, necrophile Trekkies? I'm almost tempted to order this thing just to see what the ever-loving fuck it's about, but I'm certain that the second I finished payment, a barbarian adventurer would smash through my window and slay me for attempted necromancy.

At $12.71, this product is technically a little over the budget. Still, I feel secure in including it, because I'm betting you can get it way, way cheaper than that.

All you need to do is walk into a porn shop and loudly haggle over the price of Vulcan Ripe Anus these days.

#3. Remote-Control Panties

Via Amazon

If you've read some of my previous stuff on the subject of sex and the toys that revolve around it, you may have gathered that I'm not particularly keen on teledildonics. It's not that I'm against the concept per se -- it's just that I find it hard to see the point of complicated, barely working long-distance screwing contraptions when most people already have ready access to stuff like phones and hands. Take panties operated by remote control, which is a thing that exists, and houses a remote-control vibrator in the exact place you suspect. Hey, wait a moment -- these things may be stupid as seven sorts of shit, but there's no way they'll make our budget. Teledildonics stuff tends to be expensive as all fuck.

Well, not this particular product! In fact, the price of the item is so low, it's something of a red flag:

Via Amazon
"Product description: May not contain spiders this time."

What ... what happened here? Why are they dumping this product practically for free? Was there a malfunction? Did Chad hit the bar with his friends after work and start absent-mindedly fidgeting with the remote, only to find out it has a seriously impressive range, as his politician wife is giving what would turn out to be the most excited speech of her career? Was there a love triangle drama, and some jealous husband MacGyvered a car battery in this thing somehow? Or maybe a sitcom-style mix-up, where the sex panties you meant to give your spouse for Christmas ended up in the wrong stocking, and now Grandma is wondering whether to write you out of the will or make you the sole heir?

giorgiomtb1/iStock/Getty Images
Her opinion tends to change with the setting.

There are no customer reviews, so we may never know ... unless someone is brave enough to click that order button.

#2. The Bullet

Via eBay

Bullet vibrators are little more than a small battery and an even smaller motor in a more or less waterproof plastic casing. As tiny, slippery, cheap, and occasionally ill-manufactured things, they have a number of drawbacks when it comes to shenanigans: Not only are they almost impossible to handle without gloves or whatever when things get gooey, they're also small enough to have the ability to disappear and/or get stuck in a number of places most sex toys can only dream of. As such, they're mainly used externally, or as an attachable funmaker for various latex-y rings and contraptions.

And then someone comes along and starts specifically selling them as Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets.

That's a lot of uses for a $5 device, most of them physically impossible because these things are like 2 inches long, with no grip or handle whatsoever. What's more, the product comes in a variety of colors, just begging the unfortunate buyer to, uh, catch 'em all.

Comstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images
"Sir, it appears the blockage is buzzing violently."

I'm picturing a person entering the ER, not walking but gliding across the floor like a phone set on vibrate. In their nostrils, Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets. In their ears, Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets. Their hair is twisting like Medusa's, thanks to the dozen Vaginal Anal Dildo G-spot Bullets stuck in there somehow. Their pelvic region is best left unspeculated.

And they reach the reception desk, nonchalantly (if rather jerkily) lean on it, and conspiratorially whisper to the receptionist: "I-i-i-it w-was a-a-a b-bargain."

#1. Fruit Masturbators

Via Intimate Gadgets

Do you like fruit? Of course you do.

Have you ever wanted to fuck fruit? Of course you have not. And even if you had, why not get an actual fruit? They're not exactly difficult to come by -- they're the vividly colored items that are like the first thing you see when you enter a supermarket.

Oh, the real thing won't do? You require the finest artificial dongfruit that you can get for under 10 bucks? Sure, whatever, have a FunZone Mini Juicy Masturbator.

Via Intimate Gadgets
They come in "Raspberry," "Kiwi fruit," and "Orange," because if you're going to get juicy, you might as well go for the stuff that's normally too tiny to actually bone.

Look, I don't even care anymore. Guys, if your idea of a good time is sticking your dong in a suspicious eight-buck thing that is supposed to imitate a fruit somehow, more power to you. Still, unless your first and only sexual experience was Gonorrhea Sexmangler, pubic enemy #1, and as such you have sworn off all other forms of sex forever, I can't shake this nagging feeling that you could probably do better.

18 Images That Prove Sex Used to Be Insane

Thanks to this wonderful invention we call the Internet, we know there's all sorts of just horrible kinds of fornicating going on. We also know that this is nothing new.

#18.

#17.

#16.

#15.

#14.

#13.

#12.

#11.

#10.

#9.

#8.

#7.

#6.

#5.

#4.

#3.

#2.

And the winner is ...

5 Bizarre Ways the Brain Links Sex With Shame

How shameful is your sex life? More or less than you're comfortable with? What about your fantasy life? As is patently obvious, I have severe sexual dysfunctions that amuse me to no end, so recently I thought to wrap up some of you, my readers, in my own depravity by way of a sex survey and see if there's anything we can learn about sex, fantasy, and shame together in a friendly yet uncomfortable way. Does everyone feel the same way about their sexuality and sexual past? Surely not, but there must be some interesting similarities men and women share among their fantasies and reactions to them. If not, this'll be a way short article, and maybe all the ensuing paragraphs are just rants I wrote about the shoddy state of modern snack foods. When is someone going to invent a beer-filled Hot Pocket, for God's sake?

nestleprofessional.com

Looks like someone ate the insides once already!

Toward the end of 2012, a curious article was published online, in various media outlets, about how sexual arousal suppresses disgust. Just hearing the words "arousal" and "disgust" was more than enough to get my attention, and the article was pretty fascinating, and also, if we're being honest with ourselves, oddly obvious. You will do things and say things in the heat of the moment that you probably are not cool with when you're riding on a city bus, or attending Mass.

The gist of the article was that, statistically speaking, there is a correlation between arousal and your willingness to do things you would otherwise deem gross. Sexually gross. Regular gross was statistically irrelevant, but sexually gross was a big deal. This no doubt explains why Gene Simmons has a sex life at all.

Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty

Imagine looking at this while you're naked and aroused.

So what does that mean, anyway? In the test, it meant women who were sexually aroused were more willing to put their hands in a bucket of used condoms than women who were not aroused, and, speaking as a currently not-aroused man, that's pretty gross and disturbingly creative. Good job, scientists! But obviously, for the purposes of my article, I couldn't very well carry a bucket of used jimmy hats around to see if any of you wanted a feel. Instead, I wrote a little survey, and about 90 people replied, which is a pretty decent number, I suppose. The survey asked your opinion on a number of different sexual fantasies ranging from what I felt was pretty commonplace to what was pretty insane. (Fact: Almost none of you are into bestiality. Or at least very few of you admitted it. The ASPCA thanks you.) And then I asked you about shame. Have you ever had a sexual experience you were ashamed of? What was it, and why? Let's learn some stuff together.

Women's Fantasies

Jupiterimages/BananaStock/Getty Images

In the survey I wrote, I asked participants to rank 13 fantasies on a scale of 1 to 5. I was very vague on purpose, and just gave a one- or two-word description of the fantasy and let people have at it. Of the fantasies listed, the clear-cut winner for the nearly 50 women who answered was being dominated. About a quarter of ladies chose that as their No. 1 fantasy. On the opposite end of the spectrum? Bestiality! Man, no one likes the idea of humping a dog, with just about half of women ranking that as the least arousing. In fairness, that number should be higher, but for any survey in which people ranked more than one thing as least arousing, I chose the one they mentioned first. Is that scientific? Hell if I know.

Men's Fantasies

Photos.com/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images

The results for men were surprisingly similar to those for women. The No. 1 man fantasy was a threesome. At this point, you're probably saying, "Felix, let me bake you a nice quiche," to which I say thank you. But then you may also say, "Of course poor, predictable men want a threesome. Silly, obvious men." To that I say "Ha!" As it happens, women had threesomes ranked as No. 2, just behind domination and ranking as the top fantasy for about one-fifth of surveys, whereas it was top for one-fourth of men. And also, dog humping ranked at the bottom. This instills in me a sense of wellness, because I'd be weirded out if I had too many dog humpers as readers. I have a few, don't get me wrong, I just feel better knowing it's a minority. And that's not me being judgmental, I just feel like maybe you'd all team up and there could be some kind of Felix Clay zoophile club out there and it'd ruin my chances of running for mayor one day.

Womanly Shame

Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images

So now we know what turns women on. What would cause them shame? If you think this article is heading toward a curious expose of dog sex, I can let you know that's not the case. As it happens, there's a very weird link between shame and fantasy, but not the one you think. While the majority of women picked domination as an arousing fantasy, the majority of shameful experiences that were shared with me also involved a degree of domination and coercion from their partner. This ranged from guys they weren't really into begging until they gave in to their partners paying or forcing them (in a more emotional rather than physical way) into doing things they didn't really want to do. Over half of the shameful experiences women told me about could be categorized that way, even though within those confines they ranged from "having sex with a guy in exchange for drugs" to "my boyfriend telling me I didn't really love him if I didn't participate in a threesome with another girl." So the common trend in most of these shameful experiences is that the dude was a dick.

Women, it seems, like the idea of being controlled, but the reality of it is never on par with the fantasy, likely because in reality you have to deal with the quirks and stupid decisions of a guy who is apparently a dick. Thus we meet the problem of reconciling fantasy with reality, because a fantasy always has you being in control, especially when the fantasy is giving up control. The reality is a whole new ballgame and probably only works with someone you really trust and have hashed this out with ahead of time.

Manly Shame

Thinkstock/Stockbyte/Getty Images

So if dudes are super into threesomes, what do you think men are ashamed of? It's time for another curious revelation! Just as women are aroused by domination but have had shameful real-life experiences with it, men enjoy the fantasy of another woman, but being with another woman is also a pretty shameful thing, at least if it's done in an illicit manner. The majority of dudes who responded cited cheating as their most shameful experience, with one-night stands with someone they weren't into as a close second. So basically men's fantasies involve sex with lots of women, and in real life, they're ashamed of having sex with those women after it happens.

For what it's worth, the question of "greatest sexual fantasy" was also on the survey and left wide open, and a good number of men, believe it or not, answered that their greatest sexual fantasy would be a sexual relationship with someone they love. I know, I had to go brew a coffee, take a sip, then do a spit-take, too. Pop culture has convinced me that all men including myself are dirty dogs and that, while I was writing this article, I slept with three women I'll never call again. But none of that is true. Shock!

In so many words, men like the idea of a lot of sex, and this includes gay men, but they're ashamed of having it with multiple partners for whom they have no real feelings. A lot of guys expressed that they feel this way some years later, so maybe it comes with age, and when you're a college bro you have no sense of self-awareness or common decency, and this is all bullshit that doesn't apply. I only got answers from 90 people and I was drunk during my stats class, so I'm not making any definitive claims, just some observations.

The Disgust Factor

D. Anschutz/Digital Vision/Getty Images

How did it happen that the fantasy cited as most arousing by men or women was so closely related to the most commonly shared moments of sexual shame? It's worth noting that the numbers weren't exact, and a lot of people have never had a shameful sexual experience, but for those who did, whose shame so closely reflects the fantasies of the majority, ain't that a little weird? A little quirky? I thought so. And I figure that's where disgust plays in.

Some people will readily admit that they enjoy a degree of humiliation in their sex, or degradation even. Lots of people enjoy dirty talk that includes name calling. In the confines of a trusting, private sexual moment, more women than you'd think will happily respond to the word "slut." And you can start building a list of names or situations from there that might seem outright offensive if it was being glimpsed by outsiders. But for a lot of people, that shit's hot. They want to be called names, they want to be tied up or beaten. They want to put their tongue in someone else's butt. People do that. I've seen it! And I won't even pretend it had anything to do with research for this. I just like butts and tongues.

Thinkstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty Images

Yes!

So why the hell do we get off on things that should offend us? Why, in the realm of a sexual encounter, are we turned on by things that later we feel shame about? Why does sexual arousal make us do things we readily define as gross?

Look at it this way -- how apt are you to let someone spit in your mouth? Probably not very. Now look at what sex entails. Whatever genders are involved, typically I'm smudging my fluids all in and around a hole in your body that makes its own fluids. In any other context, that is revolting as hell. Sometimes I'm even shooting that stuff all up in you. All up. Way in. And it's going to ooze around in there. And maybe your fluids are dripping all over me. And maybe someone else is there, since that's a popular fantasy, and their fluids are literally dripping off of all three of us. This whole paragraph is either extremely sexy to you or borderline nauseating. And I haven't even mentioned the butt sex yet. Or oral. Oral, for God's sake! You put your face where people expel filtered soluble toxic wastes from their kidneys that would otherwise kill them if their body couldn't remove them. And then you get all licky, sucky, slurpy on it. Fuckin' sexy!

Nature understands that sex is oddly unsexy. But since it's necessary for the continuation of the species, it came up with a way to trick you into continuing to do it, and that's by making you get turned on by unsexy things. That's both brilliant and terrible. But that also means nature has your back from now on and you don't need to ever actually be ashamed of your sexual past ever again. That shame isn't your fault, it's a biological process. Nature wants you to have all the filthy sex you can, and it makes you cool with it while it's happening, so who are you to fight biology? You put your tongue in that bum, you earned it. Nature made you want to do it. It's for the good of our entire species.

5 Boob-Related Products You Won't Believe Exist

Half of the world's population has boobs. The vast majority of the other half spends way too much time pretending they're not surreptitiously trying to ogle said boobs. With such a staggering approval rate, it's only natural that these biological Orbs of Power have sprouted a whole industry around them.

The thing is, it's not necessarily a sane industry. As I've mentioned before, some of the breast-related products out there have less to do with functionality and more to do with howling must-make-a-thing-for-titties insanity.

#5. Emergency Bra

Via Emergency Bra

What ... what is the lady in the above picture doing? I get that she's wearing some sort of face bra harness, and I'm not trying to make fun of her, I'm just genuinely curious. Is she suffering from a rare disease that grows boobs on her face? Is she really, really confused about how bras work? Or did someone, hah, tell her that her bra doubles as a respiratory mask in case of an emergency? Surely we can remove that option from the list right away. It's not like anyone would make a bra that is actually supposed to be used in an emergen-

Emergency Bra
Well, shit.

Much as it seems like a parody product that some particularly inspired website churned out as an April Fools' joke, the Emergency Bra is very much a real thing. It can be used as a normal bra, but it can also be fashioned into a serviceable makeshift emergency mask. There's even a version that has a radiation sensor in case someone busts out a nuke.

Here's a funny thing: The Emergency Bra is an award-winning product. Granted, the award in question is the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize (think a jokey, slightly less demeaning Science Razzie), but still -- surely this means the bra is at least of some use. At the very least, this thing makes sure its user is always kind-of-sort-of ready for the impending disaster.

However, think a little bit further, and certain issues start to present themselves. To simulate how the Emergency Bra is used, go right ahead and try fashioning a bra into a face mask. While wearing it, fully clothed, in public. While sirens blast, and everyone around you is screaming and panicking like they're being forced to watch a four-hour French art movie without subtitles. Chances are the noxious citywide Taco Bell fart you were attempting to shield against will reach you 10 times over as you struggle with your garments, and the disaster workers will find you locked in awkward clothes bondage not dissimilar to that peculiar back-home-from-the-keg-party state where you try to drunkenly remove all your clothes at once but pass out on the floor halfway through.

Oh, and should the user by some miracle manage to untangle the bra in time to fashion it into a mask, there's still one hurdle. As brassieres tend to be designed to accommodate two boobs, every Emergency Bra can be broken into two separate masks ... one of which you're supposed to give to the nearest maskless bystander, who will now experience the crisis in question through a fine, musky layer of your terror-sweat.

Via Gizmag
Nothing like a nice tang of Eau d'Motorboat to distract from impending doom.

#4. Boob Glue

Image Source/Stockbyte/Getty Images

Breast taping is one of those gender-specific secrets that most ladies are at least conceptually familiar with, yet guys tend to react to the term with a blank look and a guilty memory of those weird bondage clips they hope no one knows they're getting way, way too carried away with during work hours.

Ljupco/iStock/Getty Images
We all know what you're up to, Steve. We all know.

But for some, the art of taming errant boobage with duct tape and other means is not enough. Some people want to have exact creative control over the direction, lift, and, if necessary, geometrical shape of their breasts, dammit!

These people need Boob Glue. Yes, that's its real name.

Via Bosom Couture
"So can I use it for other stuff, like butt lifting?"
"Boobs and boobs alone, you crazy person!"

On one hand, I kind of enjoy the fact that the makers of this glorified water-soluble spirit gum have the gall to charge $60 for a stick of something called the fucking Boob Glue. On the other, I share the amused bafflement women seem to react to this product with. Why glue? What if the user gets sweaty and the glue dissolves into a sticky mess under the boobs? What if she's about to get sweaty, and her partner, upon gently placing their hand upon the sticky surface of her breast, winds up thinking they've mysteriously gained boob-related Spider-Man powers?

Pixland/Pixland/Getty Images
Which, of course, are the best kind of Spider-Man powers.

The questions are endless, and the answers, let's face it, are probably not worth it, because we're still talking about a goddamned glue they're selling specifically for boob Play-Dohing. Still, on the off chance that you're interested in trying the product, I've compiled a handy guide on how to use Boob Glue:

1) You smear it on your breasts.

2) You collapse into a heap of existential crisis because you're now the kind of person who slathers glue all over their chest in the name of beauty.

Beatrix Boros/iStock/Getty Images
3) You scream and scream and scream.

#3. Bust Up Gum

George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images

A little while ago, I bumped into a product called the F-Cup Cookie, a dessert snack that is supposed to make breasts bigger if consumed regularly. While the idea of breast-growing cakes seemed absurd, it at least had a modicum of logic in a "shove tons of Boob Twinkies in your mouth and you shall grow large and squishy" kind of way.

Boob-growing bubble gum, on the other hand, sounds like something a cartoon conman would be selling to impossibly gullible strippers.

Via Getbustupgum.com
All trustworthy medication comes with colorful promotional tank tops.

Bust Up Gum is a pretty big hit in Japan, because come on, did you really expect it would come from anywhere else? Its supposed nigh-magical ability to enhance the size, shape, and tone of the breasts is attributed to an extract from a plant called Pueraria mirifica, which also features heavily in the Boob Twinkie's recipe. But wait! There's more: In addition to showering the user with herbally enhanced superbreasts, Bust Up Gum claims to provide all sorts of other effects, ranging from stress relief, weight loss, and improved circulation to "increased vaginal secretion," a condition that the user presumably gets to enjoy pretty much nonstop, because Bust Up Gum needs to be taken roughly four times a day.

Photos.com/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
"Game on, Knicks."

Here's the good news: Pueraria mirifica extract contains natural phytoestrogens, which basically mimic estrogen and as such can actually cause the effects the product boasts. Now, here's the bad news: There's precisely fuck-all reliable research on its effectiveness in gum form. Also, should the gum actually manage to get enough phytoestrogens into your body, experts say you might be looking at the business end of an increased risk of heart disease, osteoporosis, and maybe even breast cancer (nature enjoys its cruel ironies).

Even if that doesn't turn you away, the product is still next to useless: Whatever effects phytoestrogens may or may not be capable of having on your body can easily be achieved by simply eating soy products.

ATIC12/iStock/Getty Images
"So, it's Osteoporosis Gum or fucking tofu? Hold on, I'll flip a coin."

#2. Solar Bra

Junko Kimura/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Solar bra. Solar. Bra. It sounds like an environmentally friendly update of some horrifying fictional 1950s underwear technology (fossil fuel jockstrap? nuclear panties?) dreamed up by a vegan sci-fi writer who subsists solely on soy latte and scathing critique of all books that have the word "meat" in them.

Look, solar power absolutely is a fine and worthy thing with tons and tons of potential. It has sparked many a heated discussion and loads of inspired, potentially world-saving plans. However, there are some things current solar panel technology just flat out can't do, such as:

- Your taxes

- Make a proper quiche

- Single-handedly solve the global energy crisis in a cost-efficient fashion

- Get into anti-environmentalists' good graces

- Boobs

Lingerie company Triumph International Japan Ltd. chose to ignore one of these facts in 2008. As a result, they introduced the Solar Power Bra to the unwary world. Technically, the contraption is less "bra" and more "creepy bustier constructed from funky motel towels and weird Mad Max ab armor," but we'll let it slide -- if I had to market this thing somehow, I'd probably go with the former name, too.

Junko Kimura/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Comfy!

The catch of the Solar Bra is that you can use the power it generates to "handily" charge your phone, which entirely ignores the fact that there are precious few places in the world where a lady can comfortably turn herself into a sun-charged lingerie power plant. Really, the only place this thing could safely (though not sanely) be worn in public is the beach.

Oh, the solar panels are extremely vulnerable to moisture, and even slight rain can straight up damage them? Never mind. Still, at least the model who had to parade around wearing this thing can use it to charge her phone for the inevitable heated discussions with her agent.

Junko Kimura/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"You're so fucking fired, Steve."

Introduced as part of their "green" product line, it's hard to say how serious Triumph was with this thing. I mean, it's pretty obviously meant to be a wacky concept, but something about how their representative took the "It's, uh, just a model. Yeah, a concept model, a bit of a joke on our end, ha ha, wouldn't put anything like this on the shelves in a million years" route the second someone lifted an eyebrow does suggest this may have been the pet project of some misinformed higher-up (who presumably spent the rest of the week impotently punching boardroom walls when the public didn't go apeshit over his grand vision), with less-deranged minds within the company tactically undermining the idea.

#1. Inflatable Implants

Via Trendhunter

Despite their popularity and prevalence, breast implants have a mixed reputation. Most guys seem to insist they prefer natural breasts, yet the rampant big boob fantasies our culture constantly churns on our faces argue otherwise. Implants and augmentation are seen as senseless vanity surgery, yet they also serve an important function fixing actual ailment-induced damage and very real disfigurement, as well as providing a huge self-esteem boost for people with body image issues. Shit be complicated, is what I'm saying.

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If only there was a way to draw attention to this complex issue.

As such, if you came into this entry thinking I'd be riffing on the concept of breast implants, well, I have no intention of doing that. As far as I'm concerned, everyone can do whatever the hell they want with their bodies. However, I am saying that any plastic surgery operation -- including breast augmentation -- is something that should be carefully considered over time, so that you're 100 percent certain of the possibly drastic bodily change you're about to experience. Boobs are not shoes; no one should get themselves a fancy pair and change them a week later because you'd like a more impressive pair.

Then again, the people who came up with inflatable breast implants clearly disagree with me.

In the above video, a plastic surgeon made entirely out of hair explains how the SPECTRUM adjustable breast implant works: Once the implant is inserted, the doctors can freely adjust its size for a full six months post-surgery. This is possible because the boobs have valves that enable your doctor to fill 'em up with more saline (or deplete them from excess filling, which is something I suspect happens precisely fucking never).

I'm actually not against this product, per se. I'm sure it has saved at least one indecisive soul from the surgery table. I'm more worried about what it says about where we as a culture are heading, chest wise: When someone comes up with a way to literally change your cup size within minutes like they were pumping air in a beach ball, all bets are off. We're officially not a culture obsessed with boobs anymore. Culture's over, people, boobs have won. We've given them the ability to change size at will, which means they're maybe two steps away from detaching themselves from their hosts and taking over. Thanks to the hairy surgeon dude and his adjustable breast implant, we're standing on the brink of Boobocalypse.

Or, you know, maybe I'm just talking out of my ass. Maybe this is the best invention in the history of boobs. Hell, maybe they'll one day figure out how to fill these super-implants with different substances, granting their owner different boob-based superpowers whenever she so desires.

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If that's how it's going to be, fuck it -- I'm getting a boob job.